I tried not to get my hopes up. Didn't help, ultimately.
It all started when I had planned a trip down to meet my boyfriend, but thought that circumstances would make it so I couldn't play with him. So, a party was formed that was supposed to be about me being the center of attention. Twenty people or so were invited, about a dozen were able to make it. Lots of toys were mentioned, including showing me some puppy play gear that I would be wearing sometime during the party. Weeks were spent planning, building up my hopes for what would happen.
I wanted to feel used, like a toy being shared, like I was being a good boy for making people feel good. Instead I felt ignored, like I was interrupting people, and that I was being pushy for wanting anyone to pay any attention to me at all.
Everyone there knew everyone else better than they knew me. No one took charge of me. Instead, people paired off and went to private places. I took it upon myself to get involved with some people, pleasuring whoever I could make sit still long enough for it. And, while I was doing that, other scenes sprang up involving multiple people and toys, and pictures being taken of them. I tried not to feel jealous. I tried to get something started around me. I only managed to make one person cum, myself. Every other time I got to taste any, it was when I was forcing myself on two other people who were playing with each other.
I should feel happy that I actually got to play during the trip. I should feel happy that I made some new friends that I like alot.
Instead, I mostly feel disappointed, alone, left out. And, the feeling keeps building, every time I think of sex. I'm afraid I might end up doing something bad, either something that's too risky or something that hurts me permanently. I'm hoping that I can talk it out, get past all the desires. Maybe I can laugh at myself. Maybe I can plan for a second party, and shift my hopes on to that one. Maybe I can find some satisfaction with a single dom. Maybe I'll just curl up in my bed and cry around my plushie.
I did have lots of fun that night. Many things happened that I was proud of, and many new and fun experiences for me. I'm trying to hold onto that.
But... I did not feel used... I felt like I was an excuse to make the party happen, and everyone would have been just as happy if not happier if I had not bothered to show up.
Submissive frenzy. I don't like the term, but I don't have another one.
As time passes, the desire to be used is growing, fueled by the disappointment. I know I'm past the stage of sanity now. I could be talked into doing almost anything, without caring if it was safe and without caring if I suffered permanent mental or physical damage. I want so much it hurts, and I don't know how to get rid of these feelings. I've got enough control to keep away from people who might take advantage of the state I'm in. For now, at least. I know some people I can trust who wouldn't take advantage of me, but I don't think any of them are capable of giving me what I want.
So, assuming I'm not going to get it. What now? How do I let it go?
What do I do?